Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.

What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed

coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body

my wife: could we remove the kazoo

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!