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It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I wonder if Mary and Joseph hated putting away the Christmas stuff as much as I do
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries