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My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Monday?
No. Next question.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Today’s weather from Yorkshire