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No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Worth the read.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Are we there yet?…
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
The pen is writier than the sword.
5 ways to appear taller
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.