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If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Me checking my bank balance online.
life finds a way
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.