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me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
White parent Vs Arab parents
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I need a headline like this
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*