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I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
no their not
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Breaking news:
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.