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Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*