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seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this