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i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
i just found this in my phone
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.