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If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Google Pay be like:
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .