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Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
goldfish mafia
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
how many bears make up a bear minimum
i hope my email finds you on fire
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!