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Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Morning all.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.