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I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Why are bridges so flammable.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Please vote for people who are attractive
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️