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Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
What?
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return