Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?

PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.

my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

me: i’m so excited for fall!

also me: where the hell did the sun go?

Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

old twitter is back baby

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK