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therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.