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The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets