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CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.