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Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
“The Perfect Relationship”
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion