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You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.