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For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
why neck hurt
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone