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Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached