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Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Shortcut
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.