Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.