Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track

My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

“Bigotry”

-an Italian guy describing an oak

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.

You’re welcome.

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…

aaaaand I’m drunk.

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card