Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded

Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.

Me: Okay, but is that right or left?

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

S M O L

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!

Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.