4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
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If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Not today
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?