4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
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lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
There are no kids named Durf if you’re looking for a void to fill.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.