4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
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If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler