Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers

ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?

Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

This time of year I randomly remember going to this chaotic family dinner. I made a comment about how peanuts grow in the ground like potatoes instead of on a tree. My brother in law couldn’t accept this, called me a liar, yelled when it was googled & has not spoken to me since.

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

How you can tell a writer has no siblings:

“Hey, little bro / little sis.“

How you can tell a writer has siblings:

“Hey, loser. Mom called.”

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!

“Ninja please” -Japanese people

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

Rambo Rambow

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”