Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night

Make me look younger

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

April 1st is the class clown of days.

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick