Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

*My Gym Schedule*

Monday: Cardio

Tuesday: Intense weight training

Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training

Thursday: 3 year break

In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.

[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”