Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?