4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
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Just parrot things
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Finally!
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.