4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

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me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights


Steal your neighbors’ garden gnome. Send them a series of photos of the gnome lurking near various truck stop men’s rooms.


You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?


ME: *falls in love only w/ people who are mean to me* Why does this keep happening
GOD: *points to me* Make that one an idiot


“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes


[speed dating]

Anyway, do you have a baby hedgehog?


*I take a deep breath and roll my eyes*

[timer beeps]


I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.


“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”


*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*