@AmishPornStar1

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

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@PettyRuxpin83

Dm: Hi

Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?

@sharpular

I’m outside Costco and only need a few things.
*one hour later*
I wonder if this piano will fit in my new helicopter.

@MrC2daG

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

@iheartgunts

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

@KielyHealey

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

@iRowlf

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

@meredithmo

Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock

@sarcasticmommy4

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

@iGreenGod

A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.