@AmishPornStar1

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

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@sonictyrant

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

@KenJennings

Steal your neighbors’ garden gnome. Send them a series of photos of the gnome lurking near various truck stop men’s rooms.

@Reverend_Scott

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

@InternetHippo

ME: *falls in love only w/ people who are mean to me* Why does this keep happening
[flashback]
GOD: *points to me* Make that one an idiot

@UnFitz

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

@pinupteacher

[speed dating]

Anyway, do you have a baby hedgehog?

“No.”

*I take a deep breath and roll my eyes*

[timer beeps]

@PerfectPending

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

@markhoppus

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

@AimeeHelene1

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.