4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
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I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Life with a cat in one tweet
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?