Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

Robin: “Please?”

Batman: “No.”

“It’s prom!”

“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”

Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”

Batman: *tosses keys*

Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price

[Mugshot photographer]

Me: now lets do a silly one

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.

i just found this in my phone

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

[Honest banana advertisement]

Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?