4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
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76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend