Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

my mum slapped my neighbors wife and now I gotta fight her son man wtf i’m just tryna sleep

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.

god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…

ME: one ariana please

STARBUCKS: what size

ME: *winks at camera*

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

“We ride at dawn”

Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve

In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.

When life hands you women, make women laid.

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

Boating season is upon us.

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward

Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise

Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking