Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+

Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.

I know this now 😂