4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
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Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Am I having a stroke?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
lmao😭🤣
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.