4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
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waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Terribly Tuesday.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT