Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

i prefer mine room temperature.

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”