Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

someone just bragged they had two jobs.

this country is so lost.

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.

Her: Your hair looks nice today

Me: Thanks. I slept differently.

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

Mmmm canned fish.

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*

me: why so glum, ghost?

ghost: i’m just going through some stuff

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”