Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.

When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.

Ok who’s got my black socks?

artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

Favourite diary entry ever

tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA

[Driving]

HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!

ME: Jealous?

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.