Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

GPS: We have arrived at the bank.

Me: Okay, great.

GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.

Me: …What?

GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.

Me: I’m not going to rob —

GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!

Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

The Others (2001)

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

🤭

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them