Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now

Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)

4: Mommy, I need a snack

Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!

4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.

Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?

4:…. YESSSS

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.