Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact

No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay

ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

ME: should we give it a dry rub

CORONER: get out

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.

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Just take a day off

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.