4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy

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I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.


I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.


Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food


bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!


Most women have a love hate relationship with their scale, but I’m convinced mine goes out of her way to piss me off.


genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish


Make sure to change out the condom in your wallet once in a while…so your wallet doesn’t think you’re a loser.