Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

Therapist: what’s your support system like?

Me: about $150 an oz

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

sensitive skin

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.

But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”

Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…

We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”

[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to

WAITER: Ready to order?

ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special

WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special

[chef in background sheds a tear]

#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.

Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”