Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Super Villain Team Tryouts]

COACH: Tell me what you can do

MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal

LOKI: I’m a god

THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.

me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.

sister-in-law: hey guys.

me: [screams and passes out]

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

🤣

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care.

Funny how different sisters can be! 😜

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

He’s like the ocean

Deep and dirty

(Electricians.)

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

$3 #books

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”