Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:

‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’

I’ve disappointed better people.

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit

I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.

Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.

Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.

longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.