Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.

Strangers have the best candy.

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

Yes 😂

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no