4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
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I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be
aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.