4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
You Might Also Like
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
sir, my pâté if you please
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’