Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳