Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

Can i borrow your truck?

Me: no problem just read the dashboard

Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.

Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.

“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”

doctor: we need to draw some blood

4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery

My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!

Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

WTF

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.