Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

🙅🏻

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.

-Me, flirting.

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it

Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,