4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
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*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.