4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
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If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.