4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
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Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
10/10 no notes
Fixed this for Shakespeare
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Voodoo map
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
me hooking up with my ex
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.