Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁

The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close

me: it’s fine there’s room

side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..

by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.

Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.

A rat. A rat is what.

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car