4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
She knows her part so well!
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
A double negative is a big no-no.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
