4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
hear me out: A Netflix series where MMA champions go undercover to Eagles games wearing the opposing team’s jersey
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
