4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
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[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Potatoes were such a good idea
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I am, perchance
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.